Wednesday, August 22, 2007

EMOTIONS

So DH came across a set of questions that was to determine your personal level of anger. DH proudly stated that he was "normal" and laughed at approximately 1/3 of the questions he asked me. My rating? "Run to a psychologist as quickly as possible...you have anger management issues."

Anyway, as he read the questions, and I answered "true" to about 70% of the questions, I figured he would say that the test said I was depressed. But NOOOOOOO, I'm ANGRY! So now, instead of others walking on eggshells around me because I might crack, they walk on eggshells because I might explode.

BOOM!!!

My hubby seriously jokes...you know those, don't you? Comments that are veiled in humor and dripping in truth? I would say something to the kids and dh would grin (in his sarcastic way) and say "Are you angry?" chuckle, chuckle. Either way, I don't know how to respond...I'm either in denial, or proving his point, right?

Well, last night was one of THE WORST mommy moments of my life. My oldest son, at the tender age of 8, accidentally spilled something. I told him to pick up the cup. In my defense (shaky as it is) he did not instantly obey...which is rule number 1 in school and we are trying to keep that in the house. When he didn't, I lost it. I kept yelling at him. I jumped up to get a towel, came back and my son had been completely defeated. I have never seen him crushed so harshly. He was sobbing.

God INSTANTLY convicted me. I have never had my words ricochet and hurt me to the core, as those did. I didn't curse. I didn't swear. I didn't call him names. It was all in my tone. The volume and force of my voice, pushed my child...the one I would kill for, AND die for...to tears. :(

I was/am heartbroken. I took him to his room to talk. I told him that I had messed up and should not have yelled. I told him that I knew it was an accident. I asked him to forgive me...he did. I hugged him and gave him a kiss and told him, "I love you." And I still feel terrible.

Last night saw more than his tears....there were a lot of mine. The guilt I felt, and still feel, is sharp. I thought I was over it until a friend said I was a "good mom" for making the breakfasts I do. I laughed and confessed my shortcomings. I fought back more tears.

My son is in school right now. I pray that children are as resilient as people say. I pray that he forgives AND forgets. I pray that I haven't scarred him. I pray that his memories are NOT of Mom yelling and losing control, but of Mom loving and spending quality time with him. Above all, I pray that I DON'T forget and learn how to deal with my obvious anger issues.

GOD HELP ME!!!

4 comments:

Claudia said...

awwww LL, it happens. The most important thing is you talked about it, and like most loved kids, he will always love you and forgive you. Now.. can you forgive yourself?

Miss May said...

You know you are a good mom. I'm struggling with the same things. See you soon!

Mommy Spice said...

Oh my goodness...you left a comment on my blog about us being in "sync." I had a lousy mommy moment the other night. I got upset with S.G., misunderstanding her, and even lightly spanking her for something she didn't deserve it for. When I understood the situation, that my 4 year old was able to explain, I felt like dirt. I did the same thing...took her to her room, explained that what I did was wrong and would she please forgive me. Now granted, just like you said, there was a little provoking on her part, but she did not deserve my response. Oh girl, we gotta talk. My emotions....well, enough said.

Resa said...

It will be OK. I think asking our kids to forgive us when we "loose" it is the best we can do. I've had to ask my kids to forgive me more times than I'd like to admit. However, I try my best to not make the same mistake twice. Sometimes, I just walk away to my room for my own time-out, then when I'm calmer I will address the situation. I've done that plenty of times. Pray and seek God's advice he's the best to help get to the root of the problem.