Tuesday, June 28, 2011

OBSERVATIONS FROM HAWAIIAN FALLS

It seems kind of.... I don't know.... comical that one could use Hawaiian Falls as a blackboard, so to speak. I mean, SO MANY life lessons....a plethora of knowledge....an ampleness in the available pearls of wisdom.

Yes, Grasshopper. Sit and learn.


I have several areas that need to be addressed. These are all important. They are listed in random order.

Well, that isn't absolutely correct. I had to catalog these without writing them down, so I remembered them in alphabetical order.

THE BIKINI

The thought that immediately comes to mind is this: Just because you CAN wear a bikini, doesn't mean that you SHOULD wear a bikini.

Granted, this is enough said. However, I shall expound.

Yes, Honey. I saw you with your perky girls that have been subjected to surgeon's manipulation and forced to stand at attention. This is NOT the issue.... well, in some cases, it IS the issue. But, YOU.... you with the bosom that happens to be the ONLY thing on your body defying gravity...

Yes, your "pillows" aren't saggy, but most everything else is.

OK. I will give you that some of you weigh less than you did before you conceived one, or more, of your children. However, things shift. You are like the great Mother Earth. She is always shifting. Her basic shape is still the same, but some things just aren't where they were when they started.

THE COLOR

Black is always a good swimsuit. The one color I focused on was purple. It was nice. However, when you are wearing a suit that is not black, and you get in the water, go ahead and submerge. It really is not attractive to have just a touch of your lower half get wet. I mean.... it makes it look like you peed. Now, I feel pretty confident that you did NOT pee in the water, but.... it LOOKS like it. And, contrary to what so many people will tell you.... YES, it IS noticeable, and EVERYone will notice!

THE HATS

It stands to reason that if it is SO sunny that YOU.... MOM.... need a hat, so does your baby that is not even walking.

I'm not saying that every baby should be covered. I never did.... but I don't generally wear a hat, either. Just sayin'.

THE MEN

*sigh* YOU, the male of the species, are NOT exempt. You, who are strutting around whilst trying to attract some attention..... I'm sorry. Where to begin?

There are swim-shirts in your size. I've seen them. I can promise you that it will not, in any way, detract from you "hunkiness." On the contrary, giving us gals something to wonder about.... well, I would rather wonder than be proven WRONG!

You know that little plastic doo-hickey that holds a 6-pack together? Well, some of you have lost yours..... not the 6-pack.... no.... that is still rolling around your body. You've lost the doo-hickey. AND, a 6-pack without the doo-hickey is just a bunch of cans.

Some of you, knowing that you need to cover the "hair or bare" chest and gut, but not having a swim shirt, have opted for a t-shirt.... a "wife-beater" no less.

A wet "wife-beater" looks good on NO ONE! I would even hazard a guess that a Hooter's girl would not look her absolute best in a wet shirt, such as this.

THE PREGNANCY

I love pregnant bellies. I'm jealous that the clothes got SO much cuter the year AFTER I had my last child. I don't mind the clingy clothes that show a baby bump. It's cute. There is even REALLY cute swim wear for pregnant gals.

Please cover your belly.

Please.

I know stretch-marks are nothing to be ashamed of. They are badges of honor, in my opinion. I just don't want to see YOURS! What you may not notice, due to your personal rotundness, is that often, your thighs and back fat get stretch-marks, too. SO.... please refer to "THE BIKINI" section.

THE SERENITY

Ma'am, I think "Serenity" is a LOVELY name for your daughter. But, the minute you shriek her name across the wave pool, repeatedly, you single-handedly remove the peacefulness her name implies.

THE TATTOOS

Oh, my. OK, first off be VERY selective as to style AND placement. Especially, placement. The cute little "stamp" you got your third year in college, celebrating the fact that you no longer have to wait until "college night" to go to the bars dancing..... well, see "THE BIKINI."

THINGS. SHIFT.

They do.

You got a fish? It might now be a puffer-fish.

The tatt of the cute little Disney character? It may very well turn into a Picasso.

I am not anti-tattoo. I have two of them, myself. I even have a fish. It will not be a puffer.... unless I gain 300 pounds. It's on my foot. And where fat feet ARE possible, seeing as how I am 29 (for these many years), it is not likely.

Just because it is summer.... and granted, it is hotter than "H-E-double hockey-sticks"..... does not give you a reason to practice '"WHAT NOT TO WEAR."

PLEASE! For the love of all that is good! COVER UP! TAPE IT DOWN! STRAP IT STILL! Just don't let us see all that God gave you.

**This has been a Public Service Announcement. This has been brought to you by: HOBBY LOBBY! Where Christmas starts in June!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL, love it! yes, lets not practice WNTW!! it gets especially worse in the summer...heaven help us.

Lisa said...

HOOT!

Hey, I saw the Christmas stuff out at Hobby Lobby and thought of you! :)

Jan said...

Bravo! I've had those thoughts myself many times, just never bothered (Yes, I'm lazy) to organize it and type it out.

You did it beautifully. Thank you for your vent. It gave me a smile this morning.

Jan

~LL~ said...

Lisa!!! :-)

So glad you thought of me!

Danielle314 said...

Hilarious!

About The Beardslee's said...

This one has to be one of my favorite posts ever.

Thanks for making me smile :)

Anonymous said...

I thought God asked us to leave judgment up to Him. I also thought His Son reminded us to treat others as we would want to be treated. Would you enjoy being mocked by someone who finds your physical flaws (and I'm sure you have them; everyone does) a good opportunity to practice the Low Art of Snarkiness?
I'm very sure you can be kinder than this and guide your visitors to compassion rather than cruel judgments.

~LL~ said...

Yes.... I have them.
Yes.... I *try* to cover them.
Yes.... I can be kinder....



I just chose not to in this post.

Thank you!

Oh.... and have a great day.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with the anonymous. None of us are perfect and we are all a working progress to follow the Lord's will. Those that may have chosen different way of wearing their clothes/swimsuits may be looking for someone to show them who Jesus is or they may be new Christians learning. One way or another we are not to judge or yet alone cast a stone. In this blog alone, it's difficult to see Him. Hebrews 12:14.

Karmen said...

LL.....I LOVE it.....you brought a smile to my face....at least you have the courage to be honest...don't change a thing! Love ya....Karmen

~LL~ said...

Hmmmm.... I feel as if you are judging me........

Anonymous said...

Anonymous #2- I truly should have shared more in my last post to help you know that I am not judging, but caring for you. As it may not have sounded that way, it was intended to be. I am speaking from experience. Several years ago, I made a profound statement about someone that I didn't know and got caught. I then was told - that that moment could have been a divine appt. and I distrupted God's plan. I was CRUSHED! Then my Mom informed me that I must be aware at all times who is listening, reading or watching all I do. Yes, I am not perfect by all means and i have a lot to learn. I just wouldn't want you to make the same mistake that I did. You are a dear one and may you and yours have a great rest of the summer.