Yes, Grasshopper. Sit and learn.
I have several areas that need to be addressed. These are all important. They are listed in random order.
Well, that isn't absolutely correct. I had to catalog these without writing them down, so I remembered them in alphabetical order.
The thought that immediately comes to mind is this: Just because you CAN wear a bikini, doesn't mean that you SHOULD wear a bikini.
Granted, this is enough said. However, I shall expound.
Yes, Honey. I saw you with your perky girls that have been subjected to surgeon's manipulation and forced to stand at attention. This is NOT the issue.... well, in some cases, it IS the issue. But, YOU.... you with the bosom that happens to be the ONLY thing on your body defying gravity...
Yes, your "pillows" aren't saggy, but most everything else is.
OK. I will give you that some of you weigh less than you did before you conceived one, or more, of your children. However, things shift. You are like the great Mother Earth. She is always shifting. Her basic shape is still the same, but some things just aren't where they were when they started.
Black is always a good swimsuit. The one color I focused on was purple. It was nice. However, when you are wearing a suit that is not black, and you get in the water, go ahead and submerge. It really is not attractive to have just a touch of your lower half get wet. I mean.... it makes it look like you peed. Now, I feel pretty confident that you did NOT pee in the water, but.... it LOOKS like it. And, contrary to what so many people will tell you.... YES, it IS noticeable, and EVERYone will notice!
It stands to reason that if it is SO sunny that YOU.... MOM.... need a hat, so does your baby that is not even walking.
I'm not saying that every baby should be covered. I never did.... but I don't generally wear a hat, either. Just sayin'.
*sigh* YOU, the male of the species, are NOT exempt. You, who are strutting around whilst trying to attract some attention..... I'm sorry. Where to begin?
There are swim-shirts in your size. I've seen them. I can promise you that it will not, in any way, detract from you "hunkiness." On the contrary, giving us gals something to wonder about.... well, I would rather wonder than be proven WRONG!
You know that little plastic doo-hickey that holds a 6-pack together? Well, some of you have lost yours..... not the 6-pack.... no.... that is still rolling around your body. You've lost the doo-hickey. AND, a 6-pack without the doo-hickey is just a bunch of cans.
Some of you, knowing that you need to cover the "hair or bare" chest and gut, but not having a swim shirt, have opted for a t-shirt.... a "wife-beater" no less.
A wet "wife-beater" looks good on NO ONE! I would even hazard a guess that a Hooter's girl would not look her absolute best in a wet shirt, such as this.
I love pregnant bellies. I'm jealous that the clothes got SO much cuter the year AFTER I had my last child. I don't mind the clingy clothes that show a baby bump. It's cute. There is even REALLY cute swim wear for pregnant gals.
Please cover your belly.
I know stretch-marks are nothing to be ashamed of. They are badges of honor, in my opinion. I just don't want to see YOURS! What you may not notice, due to your personal rotundness, is that often, your thighs and back fat get stretch-marks, too. SO.... please refer to "THE BIKINI" section.
Ma'am, I think "Serenity" is a LOVELY name for your daughter. But, the minute you shriek her name across the wave pool, repeatedly, you single-handedly remove the peacefulness her name implies.
Oh, my. OK, first off be VERY selective as to style AND placement. Especially, placement. The cute little "stamp" you got your third year in college, celebrating the fact that you no longer have to wait until "college night" to go to the bars dancing..... well, see "THE BIKINI."
You got a fish? It might now be a puffer-fish.
The tatt of the cute little Disney character? It may very well turn into a Picasso.
I am not anti-tattoo. I have two of them, myself. I even have a fish. It will not be a puffer.... unless I gain 300 pounds. It's on my foot. And where fat feet ARE possible, seeing as how I am 29 (for these many years), it is not likely.
Just because it is summer.... and granted, it is hotter than "H-E-double hockey-sticks"..... does not give you a reason to practice '"WHAT NOT TO WEAR."
PLEASE! For the love of all that is good! COVER UP! TAPE IT DOWN! STRAP IT STILL! Just don't let us see all that God gave you.
**This has been a Public Service Announcement. This has been brought to you by: HOBBY LOBBY! Where Christmas starts in June!