Wednesday, April 04, 2007

THE COUCH

What you are about to read is absolutely true. It is unbelievable in that it should not happen....EVER. Not to my worst enemy....well, maybe my worst, but not to my friends anyway. In fact, when I have told people to their face, they have a whole "sucks to be you" look. When I tell the the result, they show a bit of relief. Relief and doubt that it turned out as well as it did.

So we bought this couch, see. OK...I really need to back up. The story is MUCH better when you realize WHY we got the couch in the first place.

Do you remember the rota virus episode that we enjoyed a few weeks ago? Remember? A whole lot of puke and poop? Well, the bodily fluids didn't stay contained like we would want. There were many times when it just oozed or flew to other locations of the room.

One such location was our couch. The poor baby, limp with fever and lack of nutrition, lay on the couch, on a blanket, watching Blue's Clues....anything to give that sweet baby some joy. As I walked past, I smelled the evidence of another blow-out. I picked him up and discovered that he had been lying in it. (guilt)

We cleaned the furniture and the child and put him to bed. All was well until 2 days later. The baby, seemingly much better, decided to show me that, in fact, he was NOT better as he puked once, twice, THREE TIMES on the previously pooped on cushion. So again, soap and water hit both child and cushion.

Baby feeling better, my attention turned to the cushion. Soap and water didn't touch the stench...the smell that had a life of its own. If you ever watched Jerry Seinfeld...think of the BBO in his car. THAT is what we were dealing with. It was BAD! SO....talking to friends and reading hints I went to tackle this beast, this unearthly smell; a smell SO LARGE that only a baby could bring it on.

I used soap and water. I used a vinegar solution. I used baking soda. I used so much febreeze that I couldn't even smell it out of the bottle anymore. As my number 1 rule is to not smell anything to test for the blech factor, I would use my boys. Each sniff resulted in "EWWWWW GROSS!!!!"

I determined to make the best of it. My hubby, who had been gone throughout the entire episode, came home on a Tuesday. I told him of my problem. "It's nasty!" I told him this. It is a little known fact that my DH's sniffer just doesn't work normally....in fact, the anti-smelling rule does not apply to him because...well, his schnoz is jacked when it comes to the duty beyond holding sunglasses up.

Well, on Wednesday night, he happened to be sitting in the exact spot that saw so much action. After about 10 minutes, he jumped up, yelled, "THIS SUCKS!" and left to buy me a couch. I never got something so easily. Shoot....there are a lot of things I could have kids puke on...if only I had known.

BUT I digress!

He bought the new couch and it was to be delivered Friday week. We were so excited. Despite the fact that we had to buy a steam cleaner to rid the couch of whatever odor we could...regardless of the fact that our new van is in need of a new transmission...and forgetting the fact that we have to eat...we were VERY thrilled to have a brand new....and might I add, GORGEOUS couch.

So the thing gets delivered. It JUST fit. And when I mean JUST fit....if any dimension of our living room (except height) were just an inch shorter...well, it wouldn't work.

We are so proud. It is gorgeous! I haven't had any furniture quite that nice. Having 4 boys, we immediately went into CLDM..."couch lock-down mode."

NO FOOD!
NO DRINK!
NO PETS!
NO SHOES!
NO GUM!
NO NOSE-PICKING! (that includes any adults)
NO....you get the picture

That first night saw a family movie night in which we all ate pizza....on the floor!

The boys were so excited and kept reminding us of the rules....GOOD JOB, BOYS!

Saturday, we awaken to the smell of new furniture. We smile and go sit - our bare legs on the cream colored micro-fiber. The smell of the faux-leather intoxicating as we lean the seat back and bask in the plush embrace of our real-life adult purchase.

Pretending we have money, we decided to go shopping and to take our blue bonnet pictures. As we are about to leave, it happens.

"MOM! LOOK AT THE BABY!"

THIS is not something you want to hear...especially coming from the proximity of the new furniture that you hold ALMOST as dear as your children.

A cream colored cushion is a tempting canvas for a black marker toting toddler. (Try saying THAT 3-times fast.)

You don't believe me, dear reader. I went into a dreamlike state as I looked down at my beautiful new couch...the cream colored couch with black lines on it...at least a dozen lines and scribbles...a masterpiece...a work of art.

I can talk about this calmly because my baby is not even 2. I could not beat him the way I could have had it been my 4 year old, my 6 year old, or my 7 year old. I truly thank God it was my baby that did this.

Ivory dish soap, a warm wet cloth and elbow grease....well, I have a new couch again. It came out! It really did. Thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to puke on it to get another new one.

2 comments:

I think you're crazy just like me said...

Oh no! hahahahah LL that is great! Little artist made you work a little more eh? I think I asked you before...are the children even allowed to SIT in the couch? hehehe

Mommy Spice said...

Great, great post. I feel like I'm reading some novel to figure out what's going to happen next. I'm soooo excited about your new sofa, and especially that the marker comes out. Whew!