
Simply stated, I don't want to.
It's not that I am lazy. I just don't want to GO to work.
The need is coming. I will stay home this year. Next year? I'm not exactly sure what is going to happen.
I understand our situation. I know what we need to do. I want to do my part to help my family....to help my husband. It isn't fair that he takes on the entire financial responsibility....and the stress that comes with it.
I feel like (after 4 years) that I'm JUST now getting the hang of housekeeping. Don't laugh. I'm GETTING the hang of it....I haven't GOTTEN the hang of it.
Also, we are just so busy. With my hubby gone 18 days a month, I have to get the kids everywhere they are going to go. I don't begrudge them that. And, I don't hold it against my hubby. He is doing a great job providing what we have and giving me the opportunity to stay home as long as I have. I often think (when feeling a time crunch) of how stressed I'd feel during TAKS testing, grading period and lesson plans. (And, yes, they all come at once at some point during the year.) I won't NOT let my kids play soccer or have music lessons because I'm tired.
When I was teaching, I didn't start my work until all the kids were down. I usually had 2-3 hours of work to do each night. (I am a middle school teacher.) I'm just extremely worried that I will be a bad teacher and an even crappier mother and housekeeper. What if my stress comes through in my mothering? What if I'm so tired that I don't want to spend time with my kids? What if they want me to do something with their class and I can't? What if I miss my kids too much?
So tomorrow, I will be going to the school to fill out the paperwork for subbing. I don't mind. It will be OK to go a few days a month. I wish it could be that way all the time. It just can't be. I have thought about trying to do a job share...perhaps for one year. First, I don't know if I would make enough money to do that. Secondly (and mostly), I would have to do a job share for kinder or 1st grade. EEEK! I don't want that age. Period. They won't do job share for middle school, due to the testing.
So, there ya go. This isn't any surprise to my husband. We have talked about it. He knows how I feel. And, if things get better with the economy, I know he will keep me home as long as possible. I also know that if I do go back to work, he will do his best to get me home as soon as possible. He says he likes me to stay home. I enjoy trying to improve on my housekeeping, my cooking, my being a homemaker.
I pray that I will get more time in the near future.